Friday, 8 July 2005

The Cute Steward - Update

Yesterday's events should of course put all this into perspective but human beings are made in such a way that their small problems will always be more portentous than others' big miseries. Today I am not feeling the usual dejection. I am simply feeling very sad and like I don't want to be either at work, nor at home, nor anywhere else.

You may remember that last Saturday, at Pride, I met this rather cute guy who caused some strange stirrings within me.

On Monday I texted him and got no reply. This made it pretty clear to me that he was not interested but I got talked into calling him by MFD. I did so on Tuesday evening. His phone must have been switched off because I got to his voicemail directly where I left a rather pityful message along the lines of: "Hi, this is Zeforg, wondering if you are ok. I'll talk to you later... maybe". This, of course, did not occasion any more reaction on his part than my earlier text so that I now know for sure that despite what I imagined to be some sort of connection, he is not interested at all, not even in a friendship. My reaction, since I like clear situations and possibly to have the last word was to come up with another (final) text message which would go: "Am sorry you are not interested :O( would have liked to know you better as I think we'd get on well. Good luck in what you do... Nx". I haven't send that...yet.

Last night I had a long conversation with MFD who, from what I can gather, was playing devil's advocate and tried to lure me into deciding to ring TCS again next week. He did not seem to understand my point of view that having asked for his number, texted him and rung him, I thought it was TCS's turn to make a step in my direction and evince some sort of interest. I am interested in him but not to the point that I would start stalking him without the slightest inkling of receprocity.

The situation now is that I have decided to give up on TCS (not that there is anything to give up on). I have deleted his details from my phone's address book although I still have the above "seperation" text at the ready in my draft folder. I now know that nothing is going to happen in that department but that doesn't stop me from being very disappointed. As mentioned above, I am feeling very much out of sorts today and have been for most of the week. The difficult part of this whole episode for me is the fact that I do not understand why nothing happened, that there is no rational explanation to this rejection. Of course the obvious reason is that he did not feel about me the way I felt about him. This is not the sense of the vibes I seem to have caught on that half day we spent together however but there you go.

Whatever it is that happened (or didn't happen rather) here, and as explained in an earlier post on this, hopes were awakened to no avail and I now have to sooth them back to sleep. There are also my old issues of social inadequacy and lack of appeal which needs to be dealt with... yet again.

Is it my fault? Am I doing something wrong? If so what is it and how can I correct this? Most importantly: Why bother? To quote the lyrics of Men, Horrible Men, a song from Calamity Jane, the musical, which I sang with the Chorus a couple of years ago: "You can call off the minister, I'll be a spinister!"

1 comment:

  1. etiennelondon8/09/2005 7:04 pm

    pain and sadness at what might have been. Isn't it strange how quickly we can become affected by someone, in a bad way. That pains us. I say find another and move on and again, and again, that's the only thing I have found helps, lately....


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