Thursday, 15 February 2007

Valentine's Day Aftermath

I received a piece of rather sobering news today that, if I wasn't already such a cynic, would probably have made me one. Last night's excitment, related in my previous post, is all but dead and I am back to my usual stupor. Gone is the fairy godmother, back is the spinsterly old bitch.

TH just told me that nothing would be happening with SC for the very good reason that he (TH) already has a boyfriend. They have been going out for three or four weeks apparently and things are going well. SC has apparently been made aware of the impossibility this creates.

TH has apparently committment problems which lead him to do things "unconsciously" that will endanger his relationships. I was apparently one of these not so unconscious things. He said he was going to cancel, had I not said we were only meeting as friends.

We were chatting on MSN about that so I don't have much details. I know that lots of people show that type of behaviour. I have met such people before and I can understand why this is happening but I have problem accepting this particular example of the problem. Not only did TH actively seek someone else to be unfaithful to his boyfriend with but he also did that on a highly symbolic day. It's not like he just succumbed to temptation or had a truely unconscious reaction. And yet he says he is committed to the guy.

I know that a big issue I will have to face, if and when I enter a relationship, will be that of trust. I am not here talking particularly of sexual faithfulness (which, contradictorilly perhaps, I don't think I really care about) but rather of the fact that I need to trust the people I have around me (all the more so in the case of a partner). I need to know that they are not trying to decieve me, that I can rely on them and that they will be truthfull with me.

I guess also, that although this has very little to do with me (and even though I am not blaming him for anything), I feel slightly betrayed myself by TH's behaviour presumably because he acted apparently so resolutely and cold-headedly to deceive, well, both his boyfriend and myself. We have quite clearly clicked and it looks like we are going to be great friends. This episode however is a set back of the evolution of the friendship and one that will require some effort to overlook.

I have also often dwelled on the fact that, from my observations, love and relationships seem to be more often than not a source of pain and suffering rather than happyness and growth. This episode will do little to alleviate my doubts and while I will probably keep on pining for my princely soulmate, like the good prepubescent teenager girl that I can be, I also find myself comforted in the idea that I perhaps am not so bad on my own after all, however miserable a situation it can be.

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