Monday, 24 October 2005

Further Sunday Mulling

Another step (however small) was made last night towards following Socrates' ambitious exhortation: Γνώθι Σεαυτόν; for me, an enduring struggle which has been ongoing for almost two decades now and will probably keep me busy for a while, still. Slightly had alluded at a possible meeting between the two of us but what he calls his parental obligations, which sound oddly like cruising to me, made him forget about it. So, after an unexpectedly busy and rather enjoyable week-end made up of rehearsals, baroque music concerts and meetings with new friends (not to forget the Weekly Cultural Outing to Tesco), yet again I found myself in a sauna, which prompted further Sunday mullings on the reasons for my persistent attendance to these places.

There are of course superficial reasons. The facilities first; depending on which venue I go there is a pool to enjoy. All saunas, by definition, offer steam rooms and saunas. I also generally like people watching and these are of course great places for this. Finally there is the sense of the chase, like playing hide and seek in a way, which keeps me intellectually alert somehow and assures that, despite the amount of time I spend there, I am entertained enough not to get too bored (most of the time anyway). I certainly don't go for the sex. As I said before, most of the time nothing happens these days (last night was no exception although, probably due to it being the end of the month, the place was heaving when I got there).

But the real reason why I keep going back is, I think, desperation. I go to saunas because they are the only places where I (sometimes) get a positive response from people I am interested in. In "real life" nothing whatsoever happens. On the net, I do get some interest but not from whom I would like to get it.

That leaves me with saunas. Because, despite my reasoned decision not to care about these things, not to expect anything from life, I am still the product (however flawed) of the society I live in and I have "expecting" ingrained in me. We are taught to expect something from life, that we deserve what is due to us (whatever we might decide it to be). This is obviously wrong but a capitalist society would probably not work so well without that sort of psychological make up in its members. A further cliché about western societies (and this is becoming true of some eastern societies too), is that appearance is all-important. What do you do when you have issues with your appearance? You seek reassurance before perhaps, in some cases, going for more drastic solutions. I don't like the way I look and the opinion is apparently shared by most people.

In the darkest recesses of my tortured psyche, I must have decided unbeknownst to myself, that I deserved to be loved and to be admired. Looking at it in the cold light of day, this is obviously not going to happen, so I will probably have to keep hiding in dark rooms for a while.



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1 comment:

  1. I'll ignore the crusing remark.

    I think you need to realise people do love you and do respect you, you just fail to see/except it. I know not in the same way, but it is a start.

    I'll tell you off when I am free of 'parental duties'.

    Slightly xxx

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