Sunday, 25 September 2005

Sunday Mulling

The past week has not been a very nice one to say the least. In addition to the fiasco of my application to that secondment position, I have been feeling quite lonely. Slightly Lost who is my only close friend and certainly the only person I communicate regularly with, has been otherwise engaged this week. I have reverted to my old ways (before I met Slightly and we started to meet up several times a week), which means doing things on my one to try and keep myself entertained and save myself from thinking too much about my situation.

- Monday was a Chorus rehearsal.
- On Tuesday, I went to the cinema to see Yes;
- on Wednesday, I want on a guided walk of the area where I live; I had a meeting on Thursday (which did not happen properly due to other people having lives: we were not quorate and could therefore not take decisions);
- I wasted my Friday evening on the internet, staring at my screen, willing people on Gaydar to look at my profile, moving from one chat room to the next;
- on Saturday, I went for a longish walk in the neighbourhood, taking a few pictures on the way. In the evening I went to a concert of Early Music with someone I know at Southwark Cathedral.

I find myself in a very strange place at the moment, trying to reconcile the dichotomy between my feelings and my observations. On the one hand I feel myself yearning for the company and intimacy of a man, but on the other hand, and on a more rational level I find myself thinking that love and relationships are just an opportunity for complications, heartache, sufferings and pain. This is an intuition I have had for several years and my observations of people and my readings certainly seem to support the argument. The book I am reading at the moment being a very good example.

This is all compounded by the fact that I am not even in a situation where the dilemma is likely to surface. Not only do I find myself incapable of relating to people (even though I want to), I do not seem to meet anyone with whom I would want to consider a relationship, let alone someone who would consider it themselves. I am not just talking about looks although there is a problem there too.

Where the sight of a good-looking man in the street used to bring me some sort of vicarious pleasure which I actively sought, I found this week that I should probably give up on this favoured pass-time of mine: it only seems to be bringing pain; a sad yearning for something I know I can not reach.

Yet despite all this, as I said, I haven’t found a way to give up on this hope that someday my prince will come, on this need for relations with my fellow human beings. Although I am obviously not able to achieve either of these.

After some time wondering about it, I think I have finally pin-pointed the reason why I attend saunas. I started to go about once a month in 2002. I was introduced to them by an ex of mine. At first, I found the experience to be fun but also instructive (while being aware that it could be terribly frustrating and unfulfilling); teaching me thinks about myself and what I liked. It was also good for my ego, I found: finally here was a place where people looked at me and I could find a positive response from people I fancied. There was also at the time a few faces I saw there regularly with whom I got chatting. There was a limited social side to the experience which was a realy bonus.

Unfortunately, it seems that saunas have stopped providing all this for me. The regular faces have disappeared without being replaced by new ones. More often than not I come home without having "encountered" anyone. Still I am still going. This usually happens when and because I am bored and lonely on a week-end. for a while I was going there because there was the hope of an interaction with someone. I am not really fussed about sex in any case. I just wanted to make contact with someone.

This was the case some months ago anyway, when the charm had worn off but I still managed to meet people regularly there. Now that this too has wained away, I have managed to silence my hopes and longings to simply going there and enjoy the facility with the knowledge that if I am lucky something might happen but that it probably won't.

I now need to achieve this in everyday life. Enjoy the facility but not expect anything for it.




6 comments:

  1. Thats a very honest and open post, I think rather than something to feel down about, you should be pleased you have reached a point in your life that you have 'outgrown' saunas and gaydar, perhaps simply relaxing about the whole 'men' issue is all you need to do.

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  2. Although I say I am not expecting anything anymore from saunas, I don't think I have "outgrown" them, as I still feel the need to go there, which means my expectations are still there even if they are different.

    Anyway, although I know you see them as such, the problem is not with saunas which are nothing but a short term and inadequate way of fighting loneliness and isolation. The real problem is with life in general and I haven't outgrown that.... :O(

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  3. I think you should get a pet cat :o)

    xx

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  4. i think you are not unusual. Here is another who feels the same way as someone else I know, and it's not uncommon. We need to connect. At different times on different levels. Sometimes sex is enough, other times it is drastic. Learn to be lonely. That can be where anonymous sex leaves you...but only sometimes. But don't look for something beyond sex and you may surprise yourself with what you find. I know. Question: are you being to inward looking and deep that it is strangling you? BTW I have some useful information from you. I don't think Ahoj is a name...it's a foreign word. It means hi and bye-like ciao or salut..in fact I only know these three languages where the same word is used for hi & bye. Was it used as a salutation or a sign off? ahoj!

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