Monday, 27 February 2006

Confusion

On the long and arduous journey through the intricate forrest that is life, I thought I had found a nice and welcoming clearing where I could rest for a while and build up some strength. I should have known better.

In a post in December last year, I mentioned quickly a guy I had met on the net and to whose place I had been for a bit of fun. Let's call him M. That was the last shag of the year and right up until yesterday afternoon, he looked like he was going to be the first one of this year too. I had not heard from him since December but a few weeks ago, he texted me and expressed an interest in meeting up. We chatted a couple of times on MSN but were not able to organise anything until yesterday afternoon. On one occasion, he sent me a pic of himself featuring his bum, telling me that it belonged to me!

I was actually quite looking forward to this "meeting". This sort of things very very rarely happen to me and the guy, without being a stunner, has a good body and an easy personality. This was going to be a little balm on my parched heart. Being the cynic that I am, I did have a few misgivings, thinking he would cancel at the last minute, but even on Saturday evening when I texted him to confirm, everything seemed fine. Again, I should have known better.

There is currently a room available in the house I live in and a prospective flatmates was supposed to come and visit at 1.30pm. The dippy cow turned up 40 min late, without even ringing to inform us she would be late. As a result, with a little help from the bus network, I arrived about 20min late at M's place.

We started chatting. He talked about his flatmate's boyfriend and how he wasn't interested in having one at the moment; about his project to go back to see his family for easter, his job and so on. Very quickly, he also announced that he was still feeling fluy after having been ill for the past few days and was simply not going to have sex that day. I was a bit disappointed by this but I am a flexible guy (!) and thought we could just chat and be sociable. Where things started to go pear shaped, is when he started to tease me and let me go quite far (I'll spare you the details) in my response to his teasing; still claiming he was going to have sex that day. After about 40 min, he said it was time for him to go and meet his flatmate in town and we rearranged our clothed and left. Soon I found myself at a bus stop, M hugging me and cryptically saying we could not blame each other.

Having been at the receiving end of all these conflicting signals, I have too say that I was to say the least confused. What was the meaning of all this? What had I done wrong? I just could not decypher the clues which had been laid in front of me. I still can't. Soon, I was also quite depressed by the whole episode, finding myself once again alone in the cold, the sunny clearing disappearing in the distance. If you have an idea of what happened here, or if you know of a good monastery, let me know on a postcard please.

In the evening, someone I know told me they had been diagnosed HIV+ a few months ago; a timely reminder that compared to other people's, my problems are minute. They are very much mine however and what I have to grapple with. What is closest is biggest.

Someone I was chatting with online about the events of the day told me I seemed "in serious "nobody loves me and I'll die alone" mood!". I think in my case, it is more the state of things than a simple mood. Most of the time I manage to forget this but sometimes, like yesterday, life obligingly reminds me of it...



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1 comment:

  1. You know, you probably did nothing wrong at all. People can just be strange sometimes. He is probably going through a mood just like you are going through a mood thinking you did something wrong. Does that make any sense? Hope so. Don't worry about it...it shortens your life span. Take care!

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