Skip to main content

Miserable

I am not sure whether this is due to my coming home late last night and being tired today (fatigue usually breeds self-pity for me) or to the weather which is wet, grey and miserable but the mood is definitely not on the sunny side today.

I am feeling both restless and despondent; not wanting to stay alone in my room but, at the same time, not bothered do anything about it. Slightly is in town this afternoon and as asked me to join him but because of my mood, the rain and the fact that I can not walk properly at the moment, I decided not to go, making myself even more miserable. I think this is also some sort of sordid attention seeking ploy, whereby I punish someone I am close to (but eventually, of course, only punishing myself) for my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

Having been incapacitated (however slightly) all of this week (and probably for at least another week), has brought on a feeling of helplessness and of being tied down by contingencies. Something I experience everytime I find myself physically diminished. This has brought to my mind again the awareness of the quintessential aloneness of the human condition. This is brought into even sharper relief in my life by the fact that at all time, I very much have to rely on myself for everything. Not being as mobile as I usually am, raises questions about old age and dependency; the fact that I don't really have anyone I can rely on, or upon whose charity I can/want to force myself should something really serious happen to me.

Although I am aware that one's view on these things changes as time passes, I am often wondering how well I will be coping with age. So far growing old has not really been a problem as life seems to have been improving (however mildly) along the years. However, this process seems to have stalled recently and I see myself (rightly or wrongly) stuck in a place I don't really want to be with no clue as how to kick start things again.

I expect a good night sleep will put these thoughts back on their shelves though, as usually happens.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Short History of the Elephant and Castle and Its Name

Last night I attended a lecture by local historian Stephen Humphrey who discussed the general history of the Elephant & Castle, focussing more particularly on what he called its heyday (between 1850 and 1940). This is part of a week-long art project ( The Elephant Project ) hosted in an empty unit on the first floor of the infamous shopping centre, aiming to chart some of the changes currently happening to the area. When an historian starts talking about the Elephant and Castle, there is one subject he can not possibly avoid, even if he wanted to. Indeed my unsuspecting announcement on Facebook that I was attending such talk prompted a few people to ask the dreaded question: Where does the name of the area come from, for realz? Panoramic view of the Elephant and Castle around 1960/61. Those of us less badly informed than the rest have long discarded the theory that the name comes from the linguistic deformation of "Infanta de Castille", a name which would have become at

Rev. Peter Mullen's Blog

Rev. Peter Mullen is the chaplain to the London Stock Exchange and the rector of St Michael's Cornhill and St Sepulchre without Newgate in the City. Rev. Peter Mullen was also until recently a blogger. Sadly the result of his cyber labour seem to have been deleted but Google has thankfully cached some of it and I have saved a copy for posterity, just in case. The deletion of Rev. Mullen's writings might just have something to do with the fact that last week, the Evening Standard and then the Daily Mail published an article (the same article actually) about some of those very writings (even though the elements of said writings being quoted had been published in June this year, at the time of the blessing ceremony which took place between two members of the Church of England in St Bartholomew the Great - picture ). In the article, we learned what the Rev. thinks about gay people and what should be done to them: We ["Religious believers"] disapprove of homosexuality

Liam Messam and Tamati Ellison Swap Jerseys

I am having a bit of a vacuous evening looking at images of pretty rugby players. Addidas, with its latest viral campaign, Jersey Swap , seems to be squarely aiming at the gay market with a selection of five antipodean rugby players, visitor to the website can select and see take their tops off and... well... swap jersey (those interested can create posters too). My favorites of the bunch are Liam Messam and Tamati Ellison . The pictures of their pretty faces and bulging naked torsos (excuse me while I sit down for a second!) included to this post should tell you why. A job well done for Addidas. This will go round the Internet for a while, I think.