Sunday, 19 February 2006

Miserable

I am not sure whether this is due to my coming home late last night and being tired today (fatigue usually breeds self-pity for me) or to the weather which is wet, grey and miserable but the mood is definitely not on the sunny side today.

I am feeling both restless and despondent; not wanting to stay alone in my room but, at the same time, not bothered do anything about it. Slightly is in town this afternoon and as asked me to join him but because of my mood, the rain and the fact that I can not walk properly at the moment, I decided not to go, making myself even more miserable. I think this is also some sort of sordid attention seeking ploy, whereby I punish someone I am close to (but eventually, of course, only punishing myself) for my feelings of inadequacy and loneliness.

Having been incapacitated (however slightly) all of this week (and probably for at least another week), has brought on a feeling of helplessness and of being tied down by contingencies. Something I experience everytime I find myself physically diminished. This has brought to my mind again the awareness of the quintessential aloneness of the human condition. This is brought into even sharper relief in my life by the fact that at all time, I very much have to rely on myself for everything. Not being as mobile as I usually am, raises questions about old age and dependency; the fact that I don't really have anyone I can rely on, or upon whose charity I can/want to force myself should something really serious happen to me.

Although I am aware that one's view on these things changes as time passes, I am often wondering how well I will be coping with age. So far growing old has not really been a problem as life seems to have been improving (however mildly) along the years. However, this process seems to have stalled recently and I see myself (rightly or wrongly) stuck in a place I don't really want to be with no clue as how to kick start things again.

I expect a good night sleep will put these thoughts back on their shelves though, as usually happens.


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